For years and years Tyler and I been putting off having a baby in order to go through other life lessons and adventures that we wanted to “get out of our system”. We had things we wanted to accomplish first. Along the way we became better versions of ourselves and unknowingly more prepared for the new and exciting challenges that lay ahead.
The first big move for us was getting my IUD out. We said I would get it out in the spring but April seemed to early so we put it off until May.
Since I had been on birth control for over a decade, I was a pretty big fan of the idea of allowing my body to have one natural menstrual cycle (and Tyler was also a big supporter of this idea). We used protection for the first month and then it was game time…. no more excuses.
Ready, Set, …. Wait, what?
We went on a camping trip just the two of us and for the first time had sex without any protection. In a tent…. which as I’m writing this seems very fitting since our “honeymoon suite” was a tent. That’s another story though.
The “trying” part of course is a grand old time but beginning to educate myself on early pregnancy signs and learning you really can’t know until you miss a period were not what I expected. Basically everything that can be classified as PMS are also early pregnancy signs. Fatigue, irritability, swollen or painful breasts… Like wtf. I thought you have sex, pee on a stick and do a happy dance. Okay. I realized more goes into it than that and it can be a long process. Getting pregnant isn’t easy for everyone. But in the movies it is.
All of our friends and family said it would happen in no time. So I assumed it would be pretty quick for us. All of this unexpected new information and pressure to not take too long made me very over analytical.
Sign, Sign, Everywhere a sign
I feel like I’m going to be sick, is that indigestion or morning sickness? My boobs are getting swollen but my areolas aren’t turning brown. I’m tired all. The. Time. Am I pregnant or getting too much sleep? I’m moody… PMS or pregnant? I’m hungry, does that mean I’m pregnant? I’m not hungry, does that mean I’m pregnant? Have I been peeing more or less than normal? Is this clumsiness an early form of baby brain?
My cat lays on my stomach a lot. But all of a sudden I would think she’s protecting our little seed.
There was a new moon and a few days later I saw that curved sliver and thought “it looks like a pregnant woman’s belly, must be a sign”.
Plus! People are always like “you’ll know when you’re pregnant”! What’s that bullshit? Every single day I went from being so sure that I’m pregnant that I felt as if I was beaming from the inside out…. to crying in bed with my husband because I don’t think it’s happened this month.
I’m trying not to get too absorbed in this whole thing but it’s hard when I’ve wanted this forever. I’ve always wanted to be a mom! And I spent years telling my body to wait. But now is the time and I want it now. I want it so damn bad. I’m ready!
Everyone is in the dog house
It’s very different for women and men. I asked my husband at what point he would start to really want it or get tired of waiting or start worrying something was wrong with one of us. And he nonchalantly said he thinks it’s normal for it to take a year. Well then why the fuck did you use condoms for that first month if you planned on it taking a year? Or does he hope it will take a year?
And then there is the friend who doesn’t seem as supportive as usual. “I think you should wait a few more months to start trying”. Or when I told her I don’t have my period yet, her response is “uh-oh”.
And then there are the really supportive people who assume I’m pregnant every time I hesitate to take a drink. And I feel like I’m letting them down by not knowing or not being what they want me to be.
Everything is changing. And sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who is all in. And I mean in some ways maybe that’s true because it’s my body that gets the overhaul involved in creating a tiny human.
I feel like the act of creating life from conception and beyond is so incredibly sacred. I really want to cherish it. But it’s hard to block out the external factors of other people’s opinions and ideas…. and I’m not even pregnant yet.
I just don’t get when making a baby became public review. I have so much to learn. I’m so anxious to get started.
My sister and brother in law had to try for a few months to conceive their third child. That’s the only time they really had to try. And I remember her telling me how hard it was emotionally. And I remember thinking “are you kidding me?! There are people who try for years!”
Yeah…. I still have a lot to learn.