Fucking September

For reals! Of course our baby is due in September. September has consistently been the most transformative month for me. Almost every year of my adult life I can tell you something big that happened in September.

2005 – Moved to Toronto to immerse myself in Dance at college, 18 years old, taking on the big city

2007 – Started the Developmental Services Worker program at Fanshawe, the goal is to explore what it feels like to pursue a career of service

2008 – Decided not to return to college to complete that program and started working full time at an investment firm, the goal is to make money.

2010 – I moved out on my own, left the nest for good

2011 – Tyler moved in. I also left North America for the first time, going to party in Ibiza and fall in love with Amsterdam… the travel bug ignited.

2012 –  We were in China and let’s just say I learned a lot about myself, my boundaries and how to find comfort outside of my comfort zone.

2013 – Grandad died. The first time a person I truly loved, who truly loved me, left this life.

2015 – Sept 3rd: I left a job that tried to make me into someone I wasn’t and Bugsy, our beloved grey cat with the biggest heart and the best hugs died unexpectedly. Sept 18th: I admitted on my wedding night that I was depressed. Sept 19th: We got married. Sept 23rd: We flew away for the world’s greatest honeymoon. Yepp… that all happened. It took months to find the person I had been before the trauma. Or rather… the person I would become… you can never go back to a person you were.

2016 – India. Letting go of anything I considered a “comfort zone” and loving every single minute. I remember being SO so so happy; all the while, coping with how hard it is to be away from home for so long. One year out of a backpack. One year married. One year of discovery.

2017 – I made a declaration to not fear September. Embracing all of the grief and all of the joy.

And now… 2018… with a due date on the anniversary of our fur baby’s death, it feels like it’s all coming to a head.

Everything is going to change. Everything that isn’t going to be a part of our future is about to be stripped from us. This pregnancy is about shedding the skin of the past to make way for what’s to come. I can’t hold  on to any of that anymore. It’s over. It’s done. I am about to discover presence like I’ve never known before. Trusting. Knowing. Deeply surrounded and guided by love, always.