Oh man, it’s been a day.
I started out by going to teach my first yoga class at a new studio. I was a bit nervous but I stayed true to my practice and my teachings and it went really well!
Then my Mom picked me up and we drove an hour and a half to pick up my new-to-me car. Again, I was nervous. Buying a car, let alone a used one, is very far out of my comfort zone. But, Tyler did his research, we had done all we could to test it and check it out, we got good vibes from the men running the shop and decided to go for it. (That was two weeks ago though, sorry, I’m getting off track). So today! Mom drove me to pick it up and that also went really well!
Mom was meeting friends in another town so I continued home on my own. I was listening to an audiobook talking all about pursuing your dreams, finding your passion etc etc.
All of a sudden I feel my throat start to tighten. “Ugh” I think. This damn throat chakra. Every time I think I’ve cleared it, it gets all clogged up again. “Wonder what it is this time…” my conversation with myself continues.
Today also happens to be the one year anniversary of my Nanna passing away. It’s upon this realization (that I had of course realized earlier in the day but not really acknowledge because I was busy being nervous about teaching a yoga class and buying a used car in another city) it hits me. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there for Nanna. Even bigger: I wasn’t there for my Mom!
When my Nanna passed away, I was living on the beaches of Cambodia. I was living on an island without internet access at the time she died. My Mom had no way of telling me. We knew Nanna wasn’t well and had been staying in touch across the globe as much as possible. Tyler and I had flights booked to go about a week from this time and had considered moving our flights up a few days and decided against it. But when Nanna died, I wasn’t accessible.
One day I was able to call my Mom and she told me the news. I took a moment to cry then bought a round of Angkor’s (the best Cambodian beer) and went to float in a tube in the ocean with my friends. A week later we came home and were able to be at the funeral. But that’s not what mattered. Today I felt that guilt… I wasn’t there for my loved ones when they needed me. My Mom watched her Mom die…. and she couldn’t get a hold of me to tell me that she loved me… until almost 2 days later.
All of this hit me while I was driving. Naturally I started balling. I turned off the audiobook (“I can’t listen to you right now!”) and let all the emotions flow through me. I yelled a few times and really let. it. go. I said “I’m sorry!… I’M SORRY!!!”.
And then I thought, “wow I’m so happy I get to attend tonight’s moon ceremony as a student”.
Umm…Light bulb! Ding! Ring the bell! Honk the horn!
It’s a fucking new moon.
If you’ve been following me for any time now, you likely know that a) I love the moon. b) I follow the moon cycles. c) this thing guides me like no other.
Today. New yoga class. New car. Out of my comfort zone. Anniversary of Nanna’s passing. New moon.
Yeah. It’s time to dive into the unknown, acknowledge and release this guilt I have, the grief I’m still holding on to.
By this time I’m laughing. And crying. And still driving. On one of the busiest highways in the world. And rather than saying “I’m sorry”, I start to say “Thank you!”
This is NOT a coincidence. This happens to me a lot. The moon. It’s my guide. The universe. It’s supporting me.
And it’s supporting you too.
Watch for the signs. See them. Greet them. Feel them. Feel them hard. Cry. Yell. Laugh. Cry. And breathe.