I’ve had a beautiful thanksgiving weekend. Rather than surrounding myself with food and people in high energy – and typically draining – environments I decided not to attend any of the gatherings we were invited to. This was a conscious decision that Tyler and I made so that we could have a weekend to catch up on rest and spend time together. I could go on about how busy we have been the last couple of months or how little time it seems we spend together but I know everyone has their own story and can relate in some way to … needing time to themselves.
As I sit here on the holiday Monday, I still feel a lump in my throat. Whatever I’ve been holding on to, whatever I’ve been hoping to shake away hasn’t left yet.
I’ve sat in meditations for hours. I went for a run. I’ve done the yoga and the journalling and the talking, sharing and crying …. yet it still sits right where my tongue connects to the rest of me. It’s tight and persistent. It’s a sign that I still have work to do.
I’m so good at being busy. Today has been a day to myself but I have still filled in every minute. For example sitting and writing this instead of something else. But I feel the need to share. To keep sharing. To keep talking. To stay open and honest because if I don’t then whatever is clinging to me is only going to tighten it’s grip.
It would be nice to know exactly what I’m holding on to or what is blocking it’s release. The truth is that it’s likely a combination of things that have accumulated and it will be a combination of things that eventually clear the way.
Within this discomfort I find gratitude, lots of it! I’m grateful for the people who allowed us to have space this weekend and the ones we chose to spend a little bit of time with. I’m eternally grateful for my partner in all things life throws at us, Tyler. I’m grateful for the colourful harvest of fresh vegetables from the gardens and farms that continue to nourish my body. I’m grateful for how dedicated I have been to my health lately. I’m grateful for how much love and support I feel every single day. I’m grateful for the adventures we’ve had… and I’m finding gratitude for being in one place. But maybe that’s it… I’m not quite there, or here rather. I hold a grudge for this place, it’s simplicity and ignorance. This place I call home feels far from it at times. But this is where we are and this is where we are going to stay, for now.
Above all I am grateful beyond measure for this journey I am on and the lessons that I am learning along the way. I am learning how to be in one place (begrudgingly, honestly).
Finding gratitude in our most uncomfortable places is apparently super rewarding and so I continue to trust the process. What is the most uncomfortable aspect of your life right now? Where do you have a hard time finding gratitude?