I don’t love associating the first month of motherhood with “drowning”, but I’m doing it. Because that’s what my brain came up with. And I’m working on accepting me as I am rather than being something more, something different, someone I used to be, someone I’m not.
Here’s a quick play-by-play of the highlights of my weeks:
Week one: Ow my vagina really fucking hurts, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and people keep showing up at my house and talking to me…. I think I’m smiling but all I can think is “how long can I hold off on walking to the bathroom?”
Week two: No more visitors. Tyler and I get a few days to ourselves with Wentz. Best. Decision. Ever.
Week three: What the actual heck is going on?! Tyler is back at work. This baby won’t sleep. This baby won’t stop crying. Mastitis is the devil. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or how I’ll make it through the next five minutes.
Week four: Week three freaked me out. I’m very anxious about being left alone with Wentz. He depends on me for so so much. No one prepared me for this. But somehow we get through each day and each day is teaching me I CAN do this.
Week five: Ummm is is just me or does it seem like we might actually be figuring this out?! Also, our baby is smiling and it’s pure heart-warming magic.
Week six: Full of huge successes. Wentz is falling asleep on his own in his bassinet/crib without much coaxing. Wentz started an amazing 2 hour nap trend each afternoon (up until now it’s been 30 minutes here and there). I breast pumped and it was super weird. Wentz took his first bottle from Dad like a pro. Wentz still loves the boobs.
I’ve learned so much in the last 6 weeks. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve really been put through this kind of test where I question myself and my abilities A LOT. But every time, I got through. And many of those days felt like I was put through the ringer. Each morning I woke up knowing it was a new day and anything could happen. We had our goals and our intentions. We (because Tyler is very much a part of it all) trusted our intuition and things started falling into place.
Six weeks is such a small amount of time when you look at a life. We have many challenges and hurdles ahead of us. But for now I’m just so so happy that we survived the last few weeks together. As a family.
I forgot to breathe. Me, the person who always reminds people to breathe. I forgot to breathe. I took a full deep breath the other day and it felt like the first breath I had taken for a while. All of those baths, all of those meditations and reiki sessions I made time for through the weeks… I thought I was breathing but I wasn’t. Thankfully, the shallow breath is behind me for now. I’ve found my breath again and it feels like coming up for fresh air.