I woke up at 5am as our baby stirred. Tyler got up to change his diaper then came back to bed to hopefully get a few more zzzz’s before his 5:55 alarm. I fed Wentz. One boob. Then the other. But he didn’t quite settle back to sleep the way he tends to during the night. He had gas, but he wasn’t fussing much. I put him in his bassinet and laid back down in bed. I must have fallen back asleep for a bit because when I woke up Tyler was out of bed and Wentz was making his poop grunt sounds with a little whimper here and there. I got up to watch him. Eyes open; grunt; grunt; toot; whimper; eyes close; 5 seconds of sleep; eyes open; grunt; grunt; repeat. He was fine sorting his self out so I went to lay down. I just listened to his cycles, his self-soothing, ready to scoop him up if he needed me… this time he didn’t. After a while he did fall asleep on his own. But by then I was awake. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. I also know that Ty and I had a tough conversation last night about how each of us feel and how it’s hard to keep up with supporting the ever-changing Wentz while still supporting each other. So I came out of the bedroom to spend a few minutes with my husband before he went to work. I sat down on the couch and snowflakes started to fall outside the window. Magic. That was my first thought. This is a sign. Snow. I love snow. But then all of a sudden my mind went to “I don’t know if I’m ready for snow”. And that’s how the last two months has gone. Life has been happening and I haven’t had time to think about it really. Most days, something happens and I don’t know if I’m ready for it, capable to handle it, but I do.
Every person is just doing the best they can. I’ve been doing my best but I’m also my biggest critic. I have been the prepared person, the ready person, the confident person. But not so much in parenting. In parenting, so far, a lot of the time it feels like I’m attempting to tread water gracefully but I end up flailing my arms around hysterically (quietly) just to stay above water.
When my Mom-in-law asked “How are you?” the other day I could have melted into a puddle of I-have-no-control/I-feel-like-my-life-isn’t-my-own/I-have-no-clue-what-I’m-doing/I’m-SO-tired, or I could have burst into tears of I-love-him-SO-much/He-is-the-absolute-best/He-makes-my-heart-melt-on-the-daily/I-love-life or any combination of those extremes and everything in between.
“I gets easier”. “It won’t always be this hard”. “You just have to keep living your life”. All of these statements of support are hard to hear. Because right now there isn’t a lot of easy, there’s a lot of new and adapting and trying. Right now it does feel hard; not always, but often. Right now, I feel like I don’t have a life. I don’t know where my life is. My life is getting to appointments, managing our schedule, following up with this-and-that, meal planning, grocery list writing, feeding, feeding, feeding, soothing, soothing, soothing, teaching, playing, laughing, loving, storytelling, diaper changing, sneaking pee breaks, one-handed “multi-tasking”, cat snuggler, house cleaner, etc, etc.
Right now, my boobs are leaking. They’re ready for when Wentz wakes up and needs me. He needs me. A lot. Less now than a few weeks ago, but still… a lot.
Right now, I’m drinking a smoothie that Ty made for me before he left for work. A morning ritual so that we know I’m getting some substance. Some days I’m able to make a proper breakfast for myself before 9 or 10am. Other days, I’m scrambling to eat whatever I can get my free hand on at 1pm while holding a baby who has been crying most of the day with no signs of stopping. The balancing act.
This morning I woke up at 5am and it’s about 7:30 now. I won’t be able to go back to sleep so my goal will be to nap with Wentz at some point. Whether that happens or not, I have no way of knowing. Today is a rare day where we have no appointments, no visits, no social plans. It’s snowing and I’d like to stay in where it’s cozy. Ready for the snow or not, it’s coming down and it’s beautiful. Ready or not, this day will be what it is and eventually I’ll end up back in bed (ahhh, bliss). There is no being prepared, or ready, really. There is just now.
I am being redefined. My life is evolving. I am being, doing, loving and trusting. Thankfully. Gratefully. Softly. Patiently. Or something like that.
I’m adding a disclaimer here for those of you that are suddenly overwhelmed with “poor Rebecca”. Writing this helps. Speaking about my reality helps. I am not down-and-out. I am being honest. Just because this time of my life is a tough transition doesn’t mean it’s not happy. Expressing myself in this way allows for release and gives me more space to accept myself for what’s truly going on in my mind and my world. Accepting who I am and where I’m at is the best thing I can do for myself right now, without expectations. That’s what I’m doing and it feels good. Vulnerability makes those afraid to face their own Self wildly uncomfortable. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m taking ownership. I’m provoking thought. This is grounding and stabilizing for me. Thanks for reading these words for what they are and not reading between the lines. There is no between the lines here. This is what it is. Where are you? Who are you? Are you ready for the snow?