I ask that as a question to myself, like wowzers… how did I get here? How is it possible to be this full of joy?! But I also ask it as a lesson. Seriously, what have I done? What work have I put in? How can I continue this process to support this deep connection I feel to the life I am loving (living)?
There are so many things. To really dive into what got me here I have to look back at where I started. 2015 was a tough year in many ways. That is the most recent time I felt like I had dug myself into a hole. I felt stuck living a life created by someone else, a life completely out of touch with mySelf. Even then in those dark moments I knew it was an opportunity to grow. I needed to spend much more time with mySelf so that I could start from scratch and create something truly beautiful. I was fortunate to have prepared unknowingly for this work. Travelling around the world allowed me to feel it all. Surrounded by life’s beauty, all I wanted to do was take it in. And in order to do that I needed to get rid of the trash I was carrying around. “I am not a garbage truck. I am princess sparkle.” That wasn’t my mantra at the time, but it could have been.
The last three years have been all about creating a life I love to live, a life I am proud of, a life that supports me in all ways: spiritually, physically, financially, mentally. I no longer wanted to have a hierarchy of needs. I wanted to have a well rounded life where all of my needs were met. At the forefront of that realization was “selfishness”. It’s selfish to have it ALL, right? WRONG!! Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You, me, we ALL deserve to be happy, to feel balanced and SUPPORTED.
So, I worked through my feelings around selfishness while dreaming up one heck of a life. Big. Bold. Grand. Magical. All the images in my mind that had once seemed impractical or unrealistic or far-fetched… they went on the list of life goals.
And I got started.
I wasn’t alone though. Tyler. My best friend, husband, life partner and souls match. We dreamed together. Laying in an uncomfortable bed in some cheap hotel in South America, I’d say “let’s dream”. And we would dream up an amazing life. And while we discussed where we want to live, what it would look like and how to make a living… we talked a lot about how it would feel. How do we want to feel? What does that life feel like? I find setting intentions based on how you want to FEEL a very powerful tool. Because even if it ends up looking a little different, if the feeling is there, then you know it’s right.
This last year has been anther big turning point. Trying to conceive a baby and then growing this beautiful soul in my womb has broken me wide open. I’ve been shedding the remnants of those ideas I had about “selfishness” and making myself, our life, this baby a priority. In all things.
I have been able to connect to myself in a way I hadn’t in the past. The biggest turning point: deciding to connect more deeply with my sensual femininity.
I have been ashamed of my femininity in the past. Working in an office and being the youngest staff member taught me to cover up, “don’t look sexy”, be conservative. I understand these are professional ideals. But I took them too deep. There is this problem in society where we don’t take responsibility for how we see and judge others. If I wear an outfit that I feel good in and another human chooses to see that as sexual (because it’s a pencil skirt and I happen to also have “librarian” glasses), that’s on them. Not me. So anyway, aside from this little rant… I needed to take back my divinity, my femininity, my sexuality. Because I believed for too long that I had to cover it up. Then WOMP! I’m trying to make a baby…. and I barely understand how my female anatomy works, let alone respect and honour it.
My body, inside and out, is a powerful and wondrous vessel. I know this now. I see it. I feel it. I’m in awe every single day by this body. I have never been more in love with myself than I am now. This is not vanity, this is confidence. This is honesty and honour. This is beauty. This is how each human should feel.
This inner joy and acceptance is pouring out of me like a waterfall during wet season. I am vibrant. I am love. I am woman.
This is how I got this happy. By breaking. Trusting the light that beckoned. Listening when I was told “make up your own rules, design your dream life”. Trudging up hill against the current that took me down. Burning the habits, routines and beliefs that I carried (but were never mine to begin with). And eventually, bursting beyond the limits I had “protected” myself with.
This is where I’m at.
Where are you?
Are you breaking? Awesome, there is a whole lot of opportunity there.
Are you redefining your worth, your morals and values? Perfect, this is important! Take the time to be super honest.
Are you stumbling? It doesn’t seem to be coming together the way you thought? Release the expectation of what it looks like and ask yourself how you FEEL.
Are you making breakthroughs? Amazing! Honour and cherish each of those “ah-ha” moments… they mean a lot.
Wherever you are is right where you need to be. Find something to be grateful for right now. Think of one thing you know you’re holding that is not supporting the life you really want to live. And above all, believe in yourSelf, your worth; don’t sell yourself short. Everything you dream can become your reality.