4 Months, Still No Baby

We were the first in our group of friends to get married and we did things very differently; non-traditionally might be a better way of putting it. 9 out of our 10 person wedding party had never stood up at a wedding before. Duties, expenses and other unexpected surprises came up that we all had to manage. We made it work and it came together beautifully.

We are now the first in our group of friends to be trying for a baby. We have friends on our outer circle who have begun to start families but those aren’t the folks we see most weeks. So again, I feel that unexpected surprises are coming up in how our friends are approaching this time in our lives…. but this time it’s all me and Tyler. We are the ones going through it all. The hopes, the disappointments and everything in between. No one else is living it as intimately as we are.

The looks, the questions… everyone is super excited for us and I know when a baby makes it’s way into our tribe it will be loved beyond measure. But right now, I feel heavy. Those looks, those questions… Everyone always wants to know the answer to the big question. And if the answer is “not yet”, they have the answer to our “problem”.

I had a glass of wine with dinner last night as we were out celebrating a friends birthday. Yesterday is also the day that I got my period later than it’s ever been in my life and it didn’t feel or look like a period, it felt and looked different… Like I had lost the beginnings of something more.

So I had a glass of wine. Because I hadn’t in weeks. And I wasn’t sure how to get through the dinner with a smile. And it was straight up the easiest way to answer the looks and questions without speaking. And I wanted a glass of wine. When catching up with a friend (the same one who has made comments in the past about how I shouldn’t be drinking while trying to get pregnant), she said “you look happy” and I thought “I play this game well”.

How did I feel? How do I feel? Sad. Confused.

Those aren’t things you can say to a group of your closest friends when your surprising a friend for their birthday. Especially when some of those close friends aren’t feeling as close as they used to.

To anyone reading this, I know I can’t be the first trying-to-become-a-mom to need space; to fear those looks and questions. When I was certain I was pregnant, those looks and questions make me uncomfortable because I don’t want to give it away but I’m an awful liar and because even if I found out I was pregnant a minute ago, I don’t want to tell you right here, right now, on your terms. And now that I’m not pregnant those looks and questions make me want to hide under a blanket and cry.

So please…. stop looking and asking. Because we are excited and everyone around us is excited and when the time comes, we will share our news in our way. After everything we are going through… the ups, the downs, the hopes, the disappointments and everything in between… we fucking deserve it.

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